This blog almost forgotten. I had been wanting to write something here for a long time, just been too lazy to do it. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t feel I am going to finish this post. I was in the mood awhile ago to write something here, only to find myself with a distaste to write something here.
Feels like I had been circling in the oblivion of emptiness, loneliness, static – I feel I am of no longer of good use. I ended my job, almost a year ago, last June, prepared my wedding, got married last August, rest for some months, and most recently, got pregnant, and now due on November. I know I should be happy knowing that life is not hard with me anymore, unlike last year, it had been hard, been hard on myself, and succumb to other people’s opinion of myself. I guess that’s just my weakness. Kept on absorbing what other people think about me, until I almost think I am what they think I am. Honestly, I ended my job because of all the bullcrap they are feeding me at the office. Never it ever occurred to me that that experience would happen to me. Honestly, I was devastated. Those were the times I tell and comfort myself everyday that they are mocking at me to annoy me. They did get under my skin. But the thing was, my boyfriend (now my husband) at that time does not totally believe all the things I told him on what they are saying to me behind my back. Gossipping behind back – making sure I know that they are gossiping about me. Yes, they are mean people, laughing, sneering, making jokes at me. I felt every eyes were on me, or smirking their way when I pass them. It did not help that I had colleagues that I could have depended and tell my problems on them. They totally ignored – some even made me feel a lot worse. Yes, it was a year of hell for me. A very bad nightmare that I probably would never ever forget for the rest of my life as it had impacted a lot in my life. Even my husband seems to ignore to deal whenever I tell him something miserable. I became more miserable, and saving all those miseries inside of me, burying them inside me.
I had not written anything in this blog for such a long time. I should have wrote this a long time ago. It just pains me whenever I think that nightmare that I had gone through. Maybe its true that time heals wounds. It had been 10 months since that misery ended. I can still feel the pain and misery even now, but not so much impact anymore. I will be looking forward to forget it all – if ever I will ever forget it.
But as of now there are some things that has been making me happy, it’s all because I am expecting my angel. My angel who will guide me, hug me, give me comfort, erase all those bad memories away. It is so very unlikely of me to escape that bad memory. Usually I tend to have thoughts of revenge, how I could get back to people who had hurt me by doing my best, letting them know I am more capable than what they were expecting me to. But the recent nightmare remains a nightmare. My husband was not helpful enough. Even also had issues with him on being a catalyst on what I am now. A miserable, unemployed housewife. But now, my baby angel is my saviour. Giving me lots of love – making me happy and great everytime I had a doctor’s appointment – he or she never disappoints me in making me sure that he or she is alive and well. I will be looking forward to seeing my angel soon.